Nameless
by KuronueLover
Summary: Pie, cliffs, 2 authors, and a GaaraxOC pairing. Whats not to love? Rated M for safety.
1. hospital

Disclaimer: If I really owned Naruto… DO YOU THINK I'D BE PUBLISHING FANFICTION ABOUT IT! Don't Answer that…..

Note: The events, people, and places in this fanfic actually happened, but to ensure privacy we are changing the actual events, people, and places. (Wait… WHAT?)

--------------------------------- -----------------------------------

"I'm not Gay!"

"You are so queer!"

"I am not queer!"

"Only a queer would eat freaking peanut butter, jelly, sugar, and bologna sandwich."

"You two! Get away from there!"

"Get away from where?"

"There!"

"oh"

**5 days later in the hospital**

The Head Nurse walked into the room with a clipboard, "Rika Inukoori and Iori Inukoori you are free to go."

A 4' 9" teen stood up. She had eyes like Ino's only cerulean blue, and dark blue hair. Her hair was cut boyishly, with bangs that cover her eyes.

Another girl in another bed several feet away stood up at the same time. She is 5ft even with short white spiked hair and golden yellow eyes, "Falling down that cliff and pulling me with you was even further proof of your queerness, Rika."

"Go hide in a corner and fuck yourself," muttered Rika while she searched for the kunai the doctors hid from her.

"15 years and you still can't find a better comeback," chuckled Iori as she leaned back against the bed post watching her sister's vain search.

"I hate you." Rika

"Go jump in a ditch and die." Iori

"See you in hell, Bitch" Rika

"Why must you…."

"GET OUT," yelled the head nurse, "I've already excused you from the hospital! You're disturbing the other patients."

**Right outside the hospital**

"You guys fell down that cliff _again?"_ yelled a familiar voice from behind.

"Shut up, Kankuro! We Don't Wanna Hear It! Do we need to kick your ass again?" yelled Iori and Rika simultaneously.

Gaara being the super cool sandman he is smacked Kankuro with a fist of sand, "Leave them alone. It's not their fault they were born complete morons."

"WE'RE NOT MORONS," they yelled in unison.

"Shut up or I'll put you in the desert coffin," Gaara.

The Silence following this comment is so long the authoresses are putting a commercial:

This is your brain. –shows your brain-

This is your brain on drugs. –shows bacon-

This is your brain on drugs next to a side of bacon. –shows bacon and eggs-

Now back to your regularly scheduled fanfic.

"Come on, Gaara! He's asking for it, let me kick his ass!" begged Rika.

Iori deciding the whole situation was rather tiresome just walked away during the silence but not before slicing open her sisters kunai pouch and taking the contents while Rika pleaded with Gaara.

"How can you kick his ass when you don't have any weapons?" asked Gaara mostest innocently.

"What the hell are you talking about? I've got my kunais right….Damn you, Iori!" yelled Rika.

"Well, without any weapons your practically useless so I guess this conversation is done. Bye bye, Rika Dear." laughed Kankuro.

-----------------------------------Chapter End-------------------------------------

Authoress1: Haha! We will have a special guest next time on…-pokes authoress 2- um… what did we name this?

Authoress2: I dunno. Let's call is Nameless.

Authoress1: Okay. Until next time on Yu Yu Nameless!


	2. The Musical

Disclaimer: We've been thru this before, I'm not the fucking owner of Naruto.

Orochimaru: Why am I here?

Authoress1: Cause I promised a special guest…

Orochimaru: And you chose me?

Authoress2: Yup! Cause you're the freakiest anime Michael Jackson wannabe ever.

Orochimaru: You know I can kill you, right?

Authoress1: Are you sure?

Orochimaru: No.

--------------------------- ------------------------------------

"Well, without any weapons your practically useless so I guess this conversation is done. Bye bye, Rika Dear." laughed Kankuro.(Where we left off..)

Iori having come back to see the look on her sisters face when she realized she had no weapons fell off the roof of the house she was hiding on from laughing to hard, "Sorry, Rika! You're not gay but Kankuro sure is!"

Rika turned around grinning, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

Kankuro stopped laughing and pulled out several kunai, "How many times have I told you guys! I'm not Gay! Gaara…..! Hey, Gaara, you know I'm not gay right!"

Gaara shook his head and walked away pretending he couldn't hear a word any of the three morons said, "No one knows what its like to be the bad man….to be the sad man… behind blue eyes…" he sang in an effort to drown them out.

Iori and Rika shut up and stare bug eyed at Gaara, "Woah! You sing? WTF!" yelled Rika and Iori in unison for the third time that day.

"No, I'm making music with my mouth," Gaara muttered.

The head nurse being the super cool beotch she is chose that exact moment to come outside for a cigarette break, "Damn it! Didn't I already tell you two gay freaks to leave? GET OFF HOSPITAL PROPERTY BEFORE I CALL YOUR FATHER!"

"You said get out last time not get off hospital property, so technically we're not doing anything wrong… AND WE'RE NOT GAY!" said Iori.

"Always have to be a smart ass, don't you?" muttered Rika just loudly enough for Kankuro to hear.

"Haha! She's right! You are a smart ass! That's your new nickname!" yelled Kankuro

Mere seconds later Kankuro was a bloody mass of a gay wannabe batman, "Kankuro! I've told you to leave Iori alone!" said Temari as she leaned against her bloodied fan.

"GO HOME," yelled the ever bitchy head nurse.

"FINE! I DIDN'T WANNA DO WHATEVER I WAS GONNA DO ANYWAYS!" yelled Rika.

Iori gave the nurse the bird, grabbed Rika, and walked towards home, "Thanks for helping, Temari! See you tomorrow!"

--------------------------- In That Place Commonly Referred to as Home--------------------

"Why do I gotta take care of it?" yelled Iori.

"Yes. The child is a 'she' not an 'it' and is now completely your responsibility, Iori" said her father Altoids (yes… that is his name… yes… we are incomplete morons….yes… we know that doesn't make sense… no…. we don't care…).

"I don't wanna take care of some little kid just because you don't want to! It's not my fault you can't keep your pants on!" screamed Iori.

"Iori, I'm trying to be patient with you!" he yelled back, "Besides…" he said in a much quieter voice, "I was drunk… I didn't realize she was my sister…."

"Wait…. You slept with Auntie Usagi? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! I'M NOT TAKING CARE OF THE RETARDED LITTLE TWERP, IT'S YOUR FAULT NOW YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT!" shouted Iori.

"YOUR TAKING CARE OF THE CHILD AND THAT IS FINAL!" roared her father, "Unless….." he said softly "you don't really want to…. Then I guess you can just let her die…..It's your choice really…but remember… Even if you don't like it she _is_ your sister"

A long icy silence followed "You stinking son of a…… Fine! Where is it and what is it's name?" muttered Iori.

"Her name is up to you… Frankly, I don't care what you call her as long as you keep her out of my way…. She is hidden in the sand dunes somewhere… you'd have to ask Usagi to find out exactly where." Said Altoids.

----------------------------------In the Bathroom-------------------------------------

"Oh down by the banks of the hanky panky where the bull frog jumps from bank to bank he says 'Iie lie iie lie icky by oh' oh I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes; this is the song that never ends it just goes on and on my friend, somebody started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because, oh, this is the hamburger with mold on it for it is very very old. Somebody started eating it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue throwing up forever just becaaaause, oh leoprosy, oh leoprosy, my skin is falling off of me. I'm only half the man I used to be! My tongue is red, my arm is dead, oh, god, where is my head!" sang Rika as she took a shower.(GET YOUR MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTERS PEOPLE!)

Iori being the super cool ninja she is needed a boredom killer while she waited for Auntie Usagi to arrive. So she decided to play a prank on Rika. The Prank: She created a doppleganger and then used the art of transformation on it to make it look like Baki.

Baki the doppleganger walked in to the bathroom and started undressing while singing, "I'm not wearing underwear today! No, I'm not wearing underwear today! Not that you probably care much about my underwear…Still none the less I gotta say That I'm Not Wearing Underwear Todaaaaaaaaaaaay!"

Rika, However, was singing her own song so loudly she didn't notice anything. So when she turned off the water, got out of the shower, and saw Baki completely naked and sitting on the toilet she screamed, "WHAT THE BLOODY FUCKING HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY BATHROOM! WTF! WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES!"

"Sorry, I forgot my underwear at home. And my clothes were so uncomfortable I had to take them off…." Said Baki

"That's not a fucking excuse and why are you in my bathroom!" yelled Rika.

"Because I wanted to see you when you were all wet and naked." Said Baki as he grinned.

Rika grabbed her kunai (why she has a kunai in the bathroom… well… YOU THINK TO MUCH!) , remembered she was naked, grabbed a towel, covered herself, stabbed Baki, and found out he was a doppleganger all in under 1.5 seconds, "IORI YOU STUPID SON OF AN UCHIHA! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!"

-------Outside of the Bathroom-------------------

"Good Grief, she yells loud!" said Auntie Usagi as she walked into the house.

"Welcome to my world. Where's the brat?" asked Iori

------------Chapter End----------------------

Authoress1: Poooooooooooooooop.

Authoress2: Can I Kill Her?

Orochimaru: I don't know can you?

Authoress2: No.

Authoress1: I'm not wearing underwear today….

Authoress2: -anime fall- We Don't Wanna Know That!

Authoress1: so?

Authoress2: So what?

Orochimaru: Exactly!

Authoress1 and 2: WTF?


	3. The Really Long Chapter that Never Was

Disclaimer: If I owned it I wouldn't right crappy fanfiction about it.

Gai: Why the hell do I have to be here?

Authoress1: Because I wanted another special guest.

Gai: Why couldn't you bring Orochimaru again?

Authoress2: Because he's already been a guest.

Gai: oh well… youth is a fickle thing…

Authoress1and2: OH GOD NOT AGAIN!

XPX(Story Start)XPX

"Welcome to my world. Where's the brat?" asked Iori

Aunt Usagi sighed heavily, "Out in the sand dunes in a canvas tent."

"You left a little kid out in the sand dunes in a canvas tent alone!" Iori yelled, "What the hell is your problem!"

Rika chose this exact moment to come running out of the bathroom with several kunai in hand, "Iori, you stupid son of an Uchiha! What the hell is YOUR problem! Baki of all people?" she yelled, "Why not Gaara! He's hot! Baki's just…just…gross!"

Iori turned around and fixed Rika with the kind of glare that makes you want to disappear, "Rika, I am in the middle of something somewhat important. Leave. Now."

"But…but…I want revenge…" whined Rika in the highly obnoxious way only she can do.

Iori jerked her head sideways towards the window, "Wait… was that Gaara in swim trunks?"

"HOLD ON GAARA I'M COMING!" yelled Rika as she ran off with all the speed she could muster.

Aunt Usagi looked at Iori curiously, "Who is this Gaara and how does he make her shut up?"

"Don't worry about it…that's a trick I'm saving for a rainy day… or when I get bored." Shrugged Iori, "Altoids said she doesn't have a name, right? Does she have any clothes, any toys with her or am I doing it all?"

Aunt Usagi blushed, "Well… your father said I could just leave her with you and you would take care of everything…"

Iori nodded in an severely exasperated way, "All right all right, now get out of here before my dad gets you pregnant again…"

Aunt Usagi turned bright red , "Young lady that was extremely.."

Iori interrupted with another one of her withering glares, "Get out, before I kill you."

XPX On the other side of Sunagakure…. XPX

"GAARA! GAARA, WHERE ARE YOU! COME HERE! I WANT BLACKMAIL AND PICTURES FOR MY SHRINE!" yelled an oblivious Rika.

Temari being the super cool kunoichi she is was coming out of a department store down the street and heard it all, "I knew it! I knew you liked Gaara! I knew there was a reason you were going through our trash cans looking for things Gaara threw out so you could sell it on the black market to all his other fangirls!"

Rika stared at Temari dumbly, "The black market? What the hell are you talking about! I only sell stuff on the blue market!"

Iori being the super cool psychopath that she is suddenly appeared behind Temari, "Fat man! Dunuhnuhnuhnuhnuh! Fat Man!"

Temari slowly turned around, "Phew… your finally back to the psychotic person we all know you to be… I was afraid you were turning serious and… and… boring. What other pair on gay obsessed twins would be able to tag team Kankuro with your guys style?"

XPX At Gaara's House XPX

Gaara looked up sharply from his porno magazine, "I just felt Rika scream my name… I gotta hide."

Kankuro ran into the room, "Gaara! You gotta hide! I just felt Rika scream your name!"

Random Kid 1 runs into the room, "Unholy terrors after you, Gaara-sama! You gotta hide!"

Gaara stuffs his porno magazine into his kunai pouch for later, "Damn! I gotta find a new hiding spot! She found my last one…"

Kankuro's jaw drops, "She found the secret switch to the room behind the bookcase! But.. but… that one was ingenious! We hid the key in Baki's underwear drawer!"

Gaara shakes his head sadly, "Iori found it and gave it to Rika."

Kankuro stared at Gaara, "What the hell was Iori doing in Baki's underwear drawer?"

Gaara looked at Kankuro like he grew three heads, "Since when do you care? You and Iori have been sworn enemies since she stole your kunai in preschool."

Kankuro shuffled his feet uneasily, "Just… curious…I … uh… need more blackmail"

Random Kid 1 grabs Gaara's leg, "Hurry! She's coming, She's coming!"

XPX Back to Iori, Temari, and Rika XPX

Rika's eyes glaze out and then come back into focus, "Bye, guys. I can feel Gaara trying to hide from me. I need to go crush his hope…."

Iori reaches into her pocket and pulls out a key, "Hey! Take this just in case he tries the same place twice!"

Rika shakes her head, "Nah.. he's hiding under the stairs again…."

Temari looked at Rika skeptically, "And you know this how?"

Rika looked at Temari like she just said the most stupid thing in the world, "Duh! My Gaara senses are tingling!"

Temari backs away, "You have Gaara senses?"

Iori looked at Temari with a 'what the hell?' kinda look, "Of course she does. And I have Kankuro senses so I always know where he is so he can't catch me off guard…"

Temari eyed Iori and Rika cautiously, "but neither of you have Temari senses right?"

Iori looked at Rika and Rika looked at Iori, "Umm…"

Temari pulled her fan, "I… uh… gotta do something…bye…"

When Temari left they turned to each other with big grins.

"Works every time…" roared Iori between fits of maniacal laughter.

"'Course it does! That's been a secret Inukoori trick passed down through generations of pranksters and idiots."

Iori sighed contently, "Feels good to be insane…. It's like.. like… dancing naked in the rain…or stalking Gaara… or the first day of spring…"

Rika looked sideways at Iori, "Don't you gotta do something with a kid?"

Iori jumped up and started running towards the sand dunes, "Damn it, I forgot! And I still gotta go get Ramen from the store! Shit, gotta hurry!"

Rika's eyes lit up in a way that makes all passersby want to put her in a mental hospital, "I know how I can help…. I can cook supper! How hard can a couple packets of Ramen be?"

XPX Somewhere In the sand dunes XPX

Iori being the very irritable kunoichi she is didn't really feel like searching all of the sand dunes so she used and old Inukoori trick to track the child down. It was about 4 sand dunes away and sleeping. She sighed heavily, "I guess I gotta do this eventually…"

She strode across the sand with exaggerated gusto until she came to the tent where the child was waiting. It was a girl as Altoids said and she was curled up in a ball with her matted white hair covering her face. Iori stepped back to size her up; She looked about two, a little starved looking, and…deep green eyes. Iori realized with a jolt that the child was now awake and staring at her with childish innocence.

"who…who are you?" said the child.

Iori jerked away, "my name is Iori, I'm your sister/cousin and I'm here to take you home with me."

Kankuro being the batman wannabe he is had to prove to Gaara that he didn't have a crush on Iori, how stalking her into the dunes was going to prove that I still don't know. And being the annoying ninja he is chose to walk up to Iori right when she was explaining who she was so of course…. "YOU HAVE ANOTHER SISTER?" he yelled.

Iori looked over her shoulder and fixed Kankuro with yet another of her withering glares, "Kankuro, what the hell are you doing here?"

Kankuro blushed and looked down at his feet like a school boy getting scolded, "I was… um… just gonna challenge you to a fight…so…uh…what's going on here?"

Iori moved sideways to shield the child from his view, "You follow me all the way here, give me some bullshit excuse, and then dare to ask me what I'm doing! How dare you! If there wasn't a kid here I'd kill you."

Kankuro grimaced, "I'm sorry. Do you… want some help?"

Iori turned back towards the kid then looked back at Kankuro, "Yeah…you can help me.." She pulled a long list out of her pocket, "Go do my errands then come back and eat supper with me after you cook it and bring Gaara so Rika will have something to do and Temari cause I'm in need of girl help."

Kankuro, knowing better than to disobey Iori, took off like a bat out of hell, "I'll be back soon!"

XPX End of Chapter XPX

Authoress1: Omg… that was long…. And I did it all by my lonesome with the second authoress….wait… that doesn't make any fucking sense… oh wait I said fuck…

Authoress2; It doesn't have to make any fucking sense, 'cause we're fucking insane, stupid.

Gai: Youth is all about cussing and being insane

Authoress2; You need to shut the fuck up about youth! Fuck damnit!

Authrores1: Don't fuckin cuss you mother fucker that shit ain't cool!

Authoress2; Hey, you uncle fucker, you stole that fucking line from me!

Gai: okay okay ladies lets just agree to disagree! After all youth is all about growing up!

Authoress1&2: Shut the fuck up!


	4. A very bad case of mild swearing

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto but I do own my brain…no wait…my mother owns that.

Authoress1: Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeennnn! Oh! And we have a special guest or something!

Owner of Ichiraku: Ugh… after cooking ramen all day I can't even look at it anymore…

Authoress2: I love Ramen!

Authroress1: Now to the story or something…

XPX Story Start XPX

Iori turned back towards the kid then looked back at Kankuro, "Yeah…you can help me…" She pulled a long list out of her pocket, "Go do my errands then come back and eat supper with me after you cook it and bring Gaara so Rika will have something to do and Temari cause I'm in need of girl help."

Kankuro, knowing better than to disobey Iori, took off like a bat out of hell, "I'll be back soon!"

As soon as Kankuro was gone Iori turned back to the little girl. Seeing no other way Iori picked her up and carried her back to the Inukoori house.

XPX At a place commonly referred to as home… XPX

"Rika, Open the fucking door! I'm carrying a kid!" yelled Iori from outside the house

"Never! I'm cooking supper!" Rika yelled back

"Why? I was gonna make Kankuro do it!" Iori shouted.

"WHAT! Are you telling me that I did a nice thing and it wasn't even necessary!"

"Yup. Now open the damn door."

"Oh hell no, I quit! Make Kankuro open the door!"

Right on cue Kankuro walked around the corner of the house, "Hey! You want some help?"

Iori stared at Kankuro like he'd grown an extra head, "Your carrying 12 bags of groceries and other random shit I sent you to get for me and you still want to open the fucking door! What the hell is your problem?"

What Kankuro might have said nobody will ever know because Rika chose that exact moment to bust down the door, "My Gaara senses are tingling! Kankuro, where is my dear Gaara?"

Poor Gaara had the unfortunate luck of walking around the corner of the house at that exact moment. He shook his head and sighed, "Iori, what kind of sugar did you give her! She's been completely out of whack since she fell off that cliff again…"

Iori looked at Gaara with amusement, "Believe it or not, this time it wasn't my fault! Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to take… take….wait she doesn't have a name!"

"Let's name her Rika Jr.!" yelled Rika enthusiastically.

"Let's name her…Iori Jr. after her beautiful sister!" said Kankuro.

At this everyone just sort of turned and stared at him and crickets can be heard in the background.

Temari having also just arrived smacked Kankuro over the head, "You're a fucking idiot. Do you really think she's ever gonna go out with you! She threatens to kill you on a daily basis!"

Iori stared at the sky wondering why she was surrounded by morons, "Kankuro, take the bags inside and set them on the counter then fix my door and anything else that's broken and I'll block out everything that just happened. Oh and I decided she shall be called…."

XPX Dramatic Pause XPX

"Beans!"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" shouted Rika.

"What the fuck do you mean 'what the fuck do you mean'?" yelled Iori.

"You can't name a kid 'Beans,' STUPID!" yelled Rika

"Yes, you can! Another name for testicals is nads, beans, and loins. Consider it like saying 'fruit of his loins'"

"You fucking baka, name her something else! Renny, Mitsuko, Inami! Pick a REAL name!"

"No! She shall be called Beans! And that is final! I have to feed her, I have to bath, I am, more or less, her mother!"

"To hell with it, I QUIT!"

Kankuro chose that moment to lean out the window, "You're food is done! It's time to eat!"

Gaara glared at Kankuro with Iori's patented withering glare, "What are you her housewife? You're such a fucking pansy!"

Temari smacked the back of Gaara's head, "Don't Cuss!"

Iori just sorta glares and walks away and Rika follows.

XPX At Supper XPX

Iori looks at Rika with big innocent eyes, "Could you please pass me the fucking ramen?"

Temari stares at Iori, "How the hell can you do that! Pretend to be so innocent and then start fucking cussing."

Iori stared back at Temari, "You're talking to me about fucking cussing and then there you are just fucking letting it rip!"

Gaara, through a mouthful of ramen, said, "You're both a bunch of stupid mother fuckers you're both fucking cussing and then yelling at each other about the damn bull shit."

Temari and Iori in unison, "Aww, Shut the fuck up!"

Iori looked at Rika again with big innocent eyes, "Could you please pass me the goddamned mother fucking ramen, please?"

"Get the goddamned ramen yourself." Said Rika.

Iori turned slowly to Kankuro, "Kankuro, give me your goddamned mother fucking ramen!"

Kankuro knowing what Iori would do to him if she didn't get her ramen happily dumped the entire contents of his own bowel into hers, "Gaara, could you pass me the ramen. It seems the evil smart ass has again taken off with my food."

Iori looks up from her ramen long enough to give him another withering glare, "Don't fucking call me a smart ass, you stupid shit."

Rika busts out laughing, "Kankuro, you're so whipped!"

Kankuro glares at Rika, "I'm not whipped, I just don't wanna die."

"Don't glare at me! I am your fucking superior, do as I say!" yelled Rika.

Iori turned and glared at Rika, "Bull shit, I'm that mother fuckers superior you're just my sister."

"I am also YOUR superior, in fact, you can all call me God!" shouted Rika.

"No, your fucking not! I'm so much better than you its pathetic!" yelled Iori.

"Nah, I'm superior than all of you in everything. Including being the laziest fucking being in the world." Grinned Rika.

"No, not in everything. But you are the laziest fucking being in the world." Laughed Iori.

"And I'm not whipped!" yelled Kankuro

"Kankuro, get me more ramen." Ordered Iori

"Okay…" Kankuro.

"You're such a freakin pansy! You need some backbone! You're never going to get to go out with me but most other girls like backbone!" Iori.

" Hey, what'd you do with Beans or whatever the little thing's name is, huh?" interrupted Gaara.

"She's sleeping again. Why?" asked Iori.

"Just curious. Who is she anyways? A cousin?" asked Gaara.

"Well, If you must know she's my sister/cousin." Said Iori bluntly.

"You know you don't have to be so fucking… you're serious? What the… how the hell…? Do I wanna know?" Gaara.

"I don't care if you wanna know or not I'm telling you anyways. My dad did it with my aunt and that's their kid. Hence the name Beans." Said Iori.

Temari stared, "I can't believe…wow…I…"

XPX End of Chapter XPX

Authoress2; Remind me never to let you name your kids…

Authoress1: I can name them If I want to!

Owner of Ichiraku: You seriously shouldn't though…

Authoress2; Yeah… Well… I'm off to my addiction of Kingdom Hearts II now…

Authoress1: okay then… carry on soldier.


	5. Shikamaru, Itakun, and company

Authoress1: Today we have….wait, what? Where the hell am i? WHAT AM I DOING?

Authoress2: You're _supposed_ to be announcing the special guest, dumb ass.

Authoress1: -pulls Uchiha Sasuke out of her pocket- Hello, my Sasuke-kun!

Authoress2: No shamnit! He's MY Sasuke-kun! Go find your own Uchiha!

Authoress1: No! He's my Sasuke-kun! Mine mine MINE!!!!

Sasuke: Why?! Why does this always happen to me?! God, im gonna go be emo in the corner or something…

Xpx story start XPX

"I don't care if you wanna know or not I'm telling you anyways. My dad did it with my aunt and that's their kid. Hence the name Beans." Said Iori.

Temari stared, "I can't believe…wow…I…"

Iori grinned, "I have decided to rename the child Shikamaru."

Rika merely stares at her sister as if she had grown a second head. "That's a guy's na- you know what? I'm not gonna complain. It's better than 'Beans.'"

Iori smiles proudly, "I think it suits her well!"

A loud clatter interrupted Iori before she could continue, "OWW, God damn it!" yells Kankuro.

Without even turning her head Iori yells back over her shoulder, "Clean up the damn mess! If your stupid enough to dump ramen on yourself you can deal with it!"

Gaara being the super sly ninja he is chose to ignore Kankuro's idiocy, "You can't name her Shikamaru! It's a guys name!"

"I already stated tha- Oh, forget it. You're all hopeless." Rika.

Temari smiled knowing the whole conversation was pointless but wanted to put in her two-cents anyways, "Gaara's got a point."

"It's my kid, I'll name her what I want!" yelled Iori.

"Technically it's Aunt Usagi's and dad's, but no one really cares 'bout 'em anyways, right?" Rika said.

Iori scratches her head, "not really…"

"I'M BORED!" yells Kankuro from the other room.

"You don't get to have an opinion!" Iori

"That's completely his problem and none of my own, dude." Rika blows a strand of hair away, placing her feet on the table and tipping the chair back on two legs.

Iori throws a toilet paper wad at Rika, "Stop being so serious! It's making me nervous! I challenge all of you to a duel! The winner gets to make me their bride… oh no wait wrong thing..."

At this point Rika nearly topples out of her chair laughing, with tears springing up in her eyes, and clutching at her stomach helplessly.

"OMG! Breath damn it breath!" Iori screams as she pile drives Rika in the stomach.

"What the bloody fucking Hatake is your malfunction!?" Rika screams loudly at her sister.

"WHAT?! Oh wait what was I doing….? Anyways, whoever wins gets to eat Gaara. No, damn it again wrong thing. WHOEVER WINS GETS TO NAME THE KID! That's right, right? Right!"

Rika stands up, giving her sister a good kick in the stomach in the process, before nodding, "Sure, it's right…. Whatever…"

Gaara shakes his head and sighs, "How do I always get sucked into this shit? Kami…"

Iori jumps up on the table and pumps her fist into the air, "THE ELIMINATION PROCESS WILL BEGIN IN….3 HOURS!"

XPX Three Hours Later XPX

Random Kid 2 stands on a platform in the middle of the arena, "Okay! This is a tournament style elimination process for the right to name some kid created out of incest or something. The competitors are Rika Inukoori, Iori Inukoori, Gaara, Temari, Kankuro, That psycho nurse from the hospital, Uchiha Itachi, and a giant talking squirrel named Hammy."

Iori's eyes widen so much they almost pop out of her head, "Ita…Ita-kun?!"

"It's My WEASEL!!!" Rika shouts out as loudly as Rika-ly possible.

Gaara and Kankuro look at each other then at the sisters, "Ita-kun? Weasel? What the hell?!"

Itachi stares at Iori then Rika, "Oh, please not this again…"

Temari walks up to Itachi and offers him her hand to shake, "My name is Temari. You are…?"

Little hearts pop up around Itachi's head and he falls down on one knee as he takes Temari's hand, "I am Uchiha Itachi. And you my dear are ravishing!"

Iori's eyes pop out of her head, "Oh my god! Ita-kun! I though you loved me!!"

"Ahhhhhhhhhh! You Stupid Son Of An Uchiha!" Rika growls dejectedly, crossing her arms over her chest.

Itachi being the super sexy ninja he is ignores Rika and Iori and kisses Temari's hand, "Will you please go on a date with me? I'll protect you with my life!"

Gaara stares, "I think I've heard that before….NO WAIT! I can't remember…"

Random Kid 2 is oblivious to everything going on around him and continues his speel, "and the first bout will be between Psycho Nurse and Gaara."

Psycho Nurse smiles and walks up onto the platform, "Which poor sap is Gaara?"

Everyone else bursts into laughter, "Lady, you are so dead! Nobody talks to the sand man like that!"

Said Sand Man walks up on the platform and lets the sand out of his gourd, "Bring it!"

Psycho nurse pulls out a giant syringe, "YOU WANT SOME OF THIS? I GOT YER TETINIS SHOT RIGHT HERE, BITCH!"

Gaara curls up in the fetal position and rocks back and forth, "I give! I give! Oh, geez… not the needles again…no, daddy! Don't poke me there!"

Upon hearing Gaara, Rika literally topples to the ground hugging her stomach and laughing so hard she's crying.

Iori stares at Gaara then at Rika, "Rika…? Aren't you supposed to be overly obsessed with Gaara and freak out right now?"

"But, but, it's just soooooooooooooooo damn funny!" Rika manages between insane laughter.

Iori turns and glares at Kankuro, "Save your little brother damn it!"

"B-but why? Damn it!" Kankuro yells.

Before anyone could blink Rika picks up a small twig and runs at the Psycho Nurse holding it above her head as if it were a deadly sword screaming wildly.

Itachi stops his relentless begging to stare at Rika, "umm… I don't want to know do I?"

Random Kid 2 coughs loudly, "In any case. The winner is Psycho Nurse. The next battle is between Rika and Temari. Get to it ladies."

Stops before she can even kick the Psycho Nurse, "What? I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I came in during that last part and let me tell you it can be taken soooooooo pervertedly, dude."

Random Kid 2 grins, "Hey, you're welcome to do that to! But anyways you and Temari have to fight."

"I should beat you with a rusty pillow for that statement, kid." Rika scoffs, pulling out her giant throwing star seemingly out of nowhere.(Imagine Yuffie's throwing star from Final Fantasy VII it looks like that)

Itachi glomps Temari, "No!! you can't leave me!!! My princess… my darling… no!!!"

Rika looks at Itachi weirdly. "Weasel, I will pay you all of the change in my pocket for you to never say that again…"

XPX Story End XPX

Authoress1: Sasu-kun… will you marry me?

Authoress2: No, damnit, he's gonna marry me!

Sasuke: I..urm… gotta go train or something…

Authoress2: Ah, who cares anymore? I'll just go marry Sakon! He's seriously smexy.

Authoress1: hmm….. hmm….. oh no wait what was I doing?!


	6. yeah?

Authoress1: It's the… it's the yeah!

Auhtoress2: It's the-the Yeah! That's exactly what we mean!

Authoress1: That's what I said that what I mean!

Kurenai: neh? Are you two okay?

Authoress2: Yes, we have issues, but they're our issues and we'll deal with them when we want to, shammit!

Authoress1: why is all the rum gone?

Authoress2: Oh, wait, was that what I was drinking last night? Shit, I thought it was pot-I mean Mountain Dew!

Authoress1: why, you stinking son of a…! THIS MEANS WAR!

Kurenai: Oh dear god. Please enjoy the next chapter.

xPx Story Start xPx

Rika looks at Itachi weirdly. "Weasel, I will pay you all of the change in my pocket for you to never say that again…"

Iori slaps Gaara, "No, damnit! I don't like spam!"

"what about bacon, eggs, sausage, and spam?" asks Gaara

"I don't like spam!" yells Iori aggravatedly.

Kankuro looks over at Iori like she's on crack, "It's better than spam, eggs, bacon, and spam."

Before anyone could do anything Rika's throwing star shoots over their heads menacingly at a speed so fast it was like she was on acid and no one knew it. "God damn it can we stay on topic!?"

Iori completely ignores the shuriken and keeps talking, "why can't I just get eggs, bacon, sausage, and spam with no spam?"

"BLECH. What are you on?" yells Gaara a look of horrid disgust on his face.

"Wouldn't you like to know." Rika speaks up. Everyone goes silent.

"I don't like SPAM!" screams Iori.

"Well that's your PROBLEM and NOT MINE!" Rika shouts angrily at her sister.

Itachi looks at Iori thoughtfully, "I see what you mean. Spam does have a rather funny taste if your not used to it. The aftertaste however is heavenly."

"But what does that have to do with the tournament? I wanna see the snot get beat outta people!" Random Kid 2 shouts.

"Everything about spam is heavenly! You stupid people!" Gaara mutters under his breath.

Iori turns her head to look at Rika, "God! What the hell are you still standing there for? Aren't you supposed to be fighting? You know what? If you'd just shut up about the damn spam we could get things moving here!"

Gaara nods, "She's right. You really are just a total blabbermouth today."

"What do you mean if WE just shut up about the spam? YOU brought it up you stupid monkey-rat! You half-red butted half-blue butted raspberry-eating blueberry-eating deaf, blind, mute monkey-rat!" Rika shouts back.

Temari glares at Rika then smacks her with the Giant fan, "oh god, first you wouldn't shut up about the spam now your going on about raspberries and blueberries? Let's fight!"

It didn't take long for Rika to begin pounding on Temari brutally not giving the blonde kunoichi a chance to fight back.

Random Kid 2 stares at Rika for a moment before speaking, "Okay… umm…. The winner is….TEMARI."

Iori starts laughing maniacally, "You just totally got your ass kicked! Man, you suck!"

"How did I get my ass kicked!? Temari's the one unconscious! Lookit her, damn it!" Rika shouts.

"what the hell do you mean?!" Iori looks over at Temari and screams, "OMG! Temari, are you okay? Who did this to you?"

"Oh Your God(s)! I'm surrounded by idiots! …. …. But of course that's 99.99 Sasuke's fault. That freakin' loser." Rika shakes her head.

"AHA! I KNEW IT! MY EVIL LITTLE BROTHER HAS HURT MY BELOVED FUTURE WIFE! THAT BASTARD!" screams Itachi dramatically.

Iori squinches her face, "He will not get away with this!" she reaches deep into her pocket and pulls out sasuke. "you stupid son of an Uchiha! How dare you hurt Temari like that! Especially before Rika got to fight her! Its back to the basement with you!"

"BACK TO THE BOX WITH YOU!" Rika shouts out before quieting down suddenly.

Gaara stares at Rika with sudden interest, "Shut up and sleep with me!"

Iori twitches, "…."

Kankuro stares at Iori in shock, "dear pie, she's at a loss for words! Gaara, you're my hero!"

Rika stares blankly, "….."

Sasuke starts crying hysterically, "Gaara, how could you? I thought… I thought you loved me!"

Gaara glares at Sasuke, "Hell no! I just told you that to get you into bed! You're way to fucking emo for me."

"Shit! I almost forgot! Ita-kun, where is my beloved Deidara?" Iori says.

"No, he's my Dei-kun, you stupid fudder-nutter!" Rika shouts.

Iori sends Rika a demonic glare, " Back off! He's MINE. Mine, my own, my precious Deidara."

"No, he's MINE! Get that through your empty skull! MINE!" Rika glares back just as demonically.

Random kid2 glares at all of them, "the new winner is Rika. Can we please move on to the next fight now?"

Iori looks at him over her shoulder, "I don't see why not." she looks back at Rika, "can we finish this later?"

Rika shrugs peacefully. "I don't see why not."

"okay then! Iori vs. Itachi!" yells random kid2.

"what?! That's not fair why do I have to fight the evil yet seriously hot genius Uchiha?" yells Iori.

Itachi grins evilly, "Yay."

Iori looks around wildly for an escape route, "Damn it!" an deviant grin spreads over her face when she spots temaris battered body. She jumps over Itachi and runs over to Temari and pulls out a kunai, "Give up or the blondie gets it."

Itachi's face goes ghost white, "b-but…Fine! Give me my precious Temari!"

xPx Chapter End xPx

Authoress1: If I was towel rack… nanananananana yes, I'd hold all the towels in the world if I was a tooowel raaaaaack.

Authoress2: Yeah, and the issues just keep coming. But life's too boring without them.

Authoress1: whoot. Toot? Scoot and boogy! It's hammer time!

Kurenai: I am not coming back! You people suck.


End file.
